Emotional instability and difficulties in regulating emotions
Emotional instability is the most characteristic feature of the disorder. Emotions are experienced more intensely, they ignite more quickly, and recovery from them takes longer than for most people.
In practice, this can show as a small setback, such as a friend canceling a meeting or a critical comment at work, triggering a huge emotional reaction. Sadness, anger, shame, or anxiety are felt physically in the body and take over the entire mental world.
Ordinary emotional fluctuations are part of everyone’s life. The difference from borderline personality disorder symptoms is in the intensity, speed, and duration. Where most recover from disappointment in an hour or two, a person living with borderline personality disorder may struggle with the same feeling for the whole day or longer.
We cover emotional instability and methods for managing it in more detail in the article emotional instability. Our articles focused on emotional regulation also offer practical tips.
Unstable self-image and identity disturbances
Borderline personality disorder often includes a persistent feeling of not knowing who you really are. Self-image, values, goals, and preferences may feel constantly changing.
This can show, for example, as:
- Your own opinions and values change depending on whose company you’re in
- Career plans change repeatedly
- Hobbies change frequently when nothing feels “yours”
- Self-perception fluctuates between pride and deep shame
- Future plans feel impossible because you don’t know what you want
Normal identity searching belongs especially to adolescence. In borderline personality disorder, however, it’s a more persistent, distressing experience that continues into adulthood. Building self-esteem is an important part of the recovery process.
Relationship challenges and fear of abandonment
Relationships are often both vital and painful at the same time. A person living with borderline personality disorder craves closeness enormously but at the same time fears being abandoned.
Idealization and devaluation
A typical feature is so-called black-and-white thinking in relationships. A new friend or partner may at first seem perfect: “the best person ever.” Then, when they do something disappointing, the picture can flip completely: “they don’t care about me at all.” This alternation of idealization and devaluation is hard on both parties.
Fear of abandonment
A real or imagined threat of being abandoned can trigger a strong reaction. An unanswered message, a canceled meeting, or a partner spending time with friends can feel like a sign that the other person is leaving. This fear can lead to clinging, repeated needs for reassurance, or preventive withdrawal.
Read more about this in our article borderline personality disorder and relationships and our relationships section.
Impulsivity and risk behavior
Impulsivity in borderline personality disorder isn’t just spontaneity. It’s a hard-to-control need to act immediately, often in ways that are harmful in the long term.
Impulsivity can manifest in many ways:
- Spending money: Uncontrolled purchases that are later regretted
- Substances: Use of alcohol or other substances to change how you feel
- Eating: Bingeing or restricting eating as a way to manage emotions
- Relationships: Quick, intense relationships or impulsive breakups
- Driving: Recklessness in traffic
- Work life: Sudden resignations or conflicts
Impulsive acts are often an attempt to ease unbearable emotional load. They bring momentary relief, but typically lead to shame and regret, which in turn feeds the next impulsive act.
Chronic feeling of emptiness
One lesser-known but very common symptom is a deep, persistent feeling of emptiness. It’s not the same as boredom or a passing experience of meaninglessness.
The feeling of emptiness is often felt physically, like there’s a hollow space in the chest or stomach. It can be present even when externally everything is fine. This experience differs from anxiety or the sadness of depression: it’s more like feeling empty inside.
Many try to fill this emptiness with relationships, substances, shopping, or other means that bring only momentary relief.
Strong anger and difficulty controlling anger
Anger is a normal emotion, but in borderline personality disorder it can be especially strong and hard to control. Anger may ignite quickly in situations that others find small, and it can last exceptionally long.
Anger can target:
- Other people: as outbursts, sarcasm, or passive-aggressiveness
- Yourself: as self-criticism, shame, or self-harm
- The whole world: as cynicism and frustration
It’s important to understand that anger itself isn’t the problem. The problem arises when you can’t regulate or express anger in a healthy way. Emotional regulation skills help in managing anger.
Dissociative experiences
In stressful situations, dissociative experiences can occur: the feeling of not being yourself (depersonalization) or that the surroundings aren’t real (derealization). These experiences are the mind’s protective mechanisms against overwhelming load.
Dissociation can feel, for example, like:
- Watching yourself from outside
- The world being behind fog or glass
- Time gaps where you don’t remember what happened
- The body feeling foreign or unreal
Dissociative symptoms are usually temporary and related to strong load. They don’t mean you’re “losing your mind.”
Suicidal thoughts and self-harm
Some people living with borderline personality disorder experience suicidal thoughts or self-harm. Self-harm is often a way to survive an unbearable emotional state, not an attempt to die. Even so, it is always a sign that the load is too heavy to carry alone.
If you or someone close to you is having suicidal thoughts, you don’t have to face them alone. Call your local emergency number or your local crisis helpline.
- Your local crisis helpline is there to listen, often around the clock.
- Your local emergency number is the right call whenever the situation is immediately dangerous.
- Emergency room: you can also go to the nearest emergency room.
Symptom intensity varies
The symptoms of borderline personality disorder aren’t equally strong in everyone. It’s useful to think of them as a spectrum:
- Mild symptoms: Recognizable features that cause occasional impairment but don’t significantly prevent normal life
- Moderate symptoms: Clear difficulties in several areas of life, the need for treatment is obvious
- Severe symptoms: Significant decline in functional capacity, possibly self-harming behavior, intensified treatment needed
The severity of symptoms can also vary in different stages of life. Stressful situations such as relationship problems or work pressure can temporarily worsen symptoms.
When to seek help?
If you recognize several of the symptoms described above in yourself and they cause suffering or hinder your daily life, seeking professional help is a wise step. Only a professional can assess your situation: the assessment is usually made by a psychiatrist or psychologist based on a clinical interview. A good place to start is your doctor or a local mental health service.
Read more about assessment in our article borderline personality disorder: tests and assessment. A test is self-reflection, not a diagnosis, but it can help you put your experiences into words at an appointment.
Symptoms often affect the people close to you too. If you are worried about someone you love, read how borderline personality disorder can show up in relationships, and remember to look after your own wellbeing as well.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, you don’t have to face them alone. Call your local emergency number or your local crisis helpline, or go to the nearest emergency room.
Frequently asked questions
What causes borderline personality disorder?
There is no single known cause. According to the NHS, BPD appears to result from a combination of genetic and environmental factors, and many people with BPD have experienced trauma or neglect in childhood. No one is to blame for their symptoms, and understanding the background does not mean the situation is permanent.
When does a personality disorder develop?
Personality takes shape through childhood and adolescence, and the symptoms of BPD usually emerge in adolescence and continue into adulthood. Many of the symptoms, such as intense emotional swings, are also common in young people, so a professional always looks at the whole picture and at how persistent the symptoms are. Over time, many people with BPD find their symptoms ease, and treatment helps.
Why are BPD symptoms sometimes misunderstood?
From the outside, intense emotional reactions or a repeated need for help can be misread as attention-seeking. Underneath, there is usually an unbearable emotional load and an attempt to cope with it. When distress is seen as distress, it becomes easier to meet the person with compassion and support them toward help.
Why can BPD show up as arguing in a relationship?
Fear of abandonment and intense emotions can make even small disagreements feel threatening. An argument can then escalate quickly, even though underneath there is a wish for closeness. Calm conversation, shared ground rules and professional support help many couples.
Can you test for borderline personality disorder online?
There are online self-assessment questionnaires that can help you make sense of your experiences. They are self-reflection, not a diagnosis. If you recognize many of the symptoms in yourself, share what you have noticed with a professional who can make a proper assessment.
